Career bitch or ordinary pleasure? The game of academia

Whether it's in games or sport, it's hard to resist the idea that boys, in general, are more competitive. They are 

• more fanatic,
• enter the survival/fighting mode very quickly, 
• and thus, are more committed and likely to win. 

Even though I hate stereotypes and try to subvert them whenever possible, I find myself - with other female friends, significantly less involved, caring less about the game itself. Let alone about winning it.

A few weeks ago, for the first time in my life I presented a research paper for an international academic audience. Obviously I was overexcited, looking forward to show my best and impress the whole community and most of all to attract the attention of The Great Professor. Along the way I came to realize that in fact I do have a strong drive for competition in the game of gaining recognition. 

But it is not very sexy to openly concede this. It is somehow morally undesirable in the leftish-academic-artistic environment, in which one is supposed to strive for nothing but the ‘higher value’ of accountable, good knowledge. 

Any sign of joy in the game of getting attention is suspect because the real philosopher-genius, hey, surely can’t be doing it for prestige alone!!? Or worse, for money? Openly showing too ambitious, too much goal-oriented simply doesn’t fit the academic environment and it’s social codes.

But here, now, I did, and I wish to point it out. No matter how impropriate.

My pleasure and dedication to the game of academia, so far, comes from

• Extreme intensity, 
• flow, 
• rush, as well as 
• casual, ordinary pleasure 

In fact, the unwritten code that made me try to appear a casual as possible (i.e. not-to-ambitious, no matter how blatantly obvious the actual performance) only added an exciting extra layer of intensity to the game (‘take the jackpot without making the ambition too obvious!’).

But what does this actually mean? 

What does it say about my deeper inner me, my drive, my oedipal unconscious me? 

Of course, I act not entirely without a goal:  I am fully aware of strategic opportunities and also of the potential benefits of winning the game. But honestly, that doesn’t mean it was all carefully planned and intended like that from the start. My deeper nature, if it would exist, surely doesn’t equal a stereotype career hunter, a selfish ambition driven narcist in the run for fame and money. 

The narcism rather must be understood in a more direct sense: short-term, ordinary pleasure, desire for challenge and excitement. Or, what boys call their nature: hunting instinct or sex-drive.

What do you think?

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